A lively chat with a box of chocolates

Gary Brown imagines what the inanimate among us are thinking. This month, some chatter from the chocolate box.

Gary Brown imagines what the inanimate among us are thinking. This month, some chatter from the chocolate box.

As Forrest Gump so eloquently put it, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. In fact, we find a multitude of personalities in any particular gift box of fancy chocolates. So, their candy-to-candy communication likely is animated.

Take the Whitman’s Sampler as an example. Give it to your loved one on Valentine’s Day and you’d better wrap it to muffle the chaotic discourse going on in there.

“Hey, Cashew Cluster! How come you’ve got a paper cup to sit in? You think you’re better than the rest of us?”

“It’s for the ridges, Raisin Cluster. They help hold me together. Pecan/English Walnut Cluster has got the same thing. Pick on him for a while; he’s got the highfalutin’ name.”

“Nobody should be picking on anybody, isn’t that right, Coconut?”

“Shut up, Caramel.”

“Just trying to help; no need to be testy, Coco.”

“It’s easy for you to be in a good mood, Caramel. Nobody is pressing their thumb into the bottom of you.”

“They’re just trying to pick you up.”

“No, they’re looking for Cherry Cordial. I know that’s it. Nobody likes coconut anymore unless it’s on white cake.”

“I like you, Coconut. You know I’ve always liked you …”

“Stay on your side of the box, Chocolate Whip. I’m not mixing with you, not even on Valentine’s Day. If we were supposed to be together, they would have boxed us next to each other at the
manufacturer.”

“I think you’re all being too sensitive.”

“What’s that, Toffee Chip?”

“I’m just saying we’re all in this together, and we should try to get along for the short time we’re still here.”

“I’d expect that from you, Toffee. There’s two of you in a tray—four of you in the box. One of you gets eaten, and three of you still are hanging out here, irritating the rest of us with your incessant positive attitude. And, really, you don’t even get chosen that often. Not by kids, anyway. What kid likes Toffee? What kid even knows what Toffee is?”

“Coconut, please don’t mention children. I hate children.”

“What do you have against kids, Molasses Chew?”

“They play with me, just like they play with their vegetables. I’m like the lima beans of candy. First of all, I’m dark chocolate, so I stand out. And I’ve got the stripes. What child can resist stripes? So, they pick me. They bite off half. They find out I’m molasses. They spit half of me out and put the other half back in the box. Who wants a used piece of candy? I’d hang out here—well, half of me would—forever if some adult didn’t say, ‘Don’t do that’ to their son and then throw me away. Nice life. The box was just opened, and I’m already halfway into the garbage disposal and halfway into the trash.”

“Sad story, Molasses Chew, but me and the other Chocolate-Covered Peanuts and all the Chocolate-Covered Almonds are trying to carry on our own conversations. So, could you turn down the volume a little? You were getting a little loud there toward the end.”

“You’ve been kind of quiet, Chocolate Truffle. Got nothing to say?”

“No offense meant, Coconut. I’m just trying to puff myself up to look as appetizing as Vermont Fudge. I’m pretty much the same basic oval shape, but she’s got much better curves.”

“And I’ve got a rich and sophisticated-looking color, too. And I’m just as beautiful inside …”

“Hey, where’s Almond Nougat? You’re beside him, Messenger Boy. What
happened?”

“Just got chosen, Coconut. I miss him already.”

“Yeah, he was a good guy. Didn’t bother anybody. Stayed in his own slot, mostly, except when the box fell. Tough. Really chewy. RIP Nougat. The good ones are always the first ones to go.”

Where to buy

The Repository
Select Rite Aid Stores
Spee-D Foods
Buehler's Fresh Foods
Fishers Foods, including 44th Street NW, Tuscarawas St. W, Fulton Drive, Lincoln Way E. and Cleveland Ave. NW locations
Aultman Hospital Gift Shop
Mercy Medical Center Gift Shop
Gervasi Vineyard Marketplace
Carpe Diem Coffee Shop, downtown Canton and Belden Village Mall locations
News Depot
Avenue Arts Marketplace
Yum Yum Tree Alliance
Grapes in a Glass